Since we live in an area where Asians are not an unusual sight, you might think we'd be immune to racism. But familiarity doesn't always bring understanding. People don't necessarily change their prejudices just because they know people who defy them, and, whether they intend to or not, they pass their prejudices on to their children. And of course, the media are not by any means free of racial stereotypes.
We've had only a couple of negative experiences, which were somewhat unexpected. Once Abbey had a friend over, and, in front of Bess, who was a baby, the friend did the "Chinese, Japanese, American knees" rhyme, pulling back the corners of her eyes. The odd thing was that this friend is half-Chinese, and I truly believe she had no clue what she was saying and did not intend it maliciously in any way. I pointed out to her that it was not polite, which was the best way I could explain it to a 7-year-old (who should have been learning about this at home).
More troubling, when Bess was in fourth grade, I caught her standing in front of the bathroom mirror looking intently at herself. After I walked in and stood next to her, she asked, "Do I have small eyes"? When I told her she didn't, she said, "Tiffany says Chinese people have small eyes." It broke my heart to think that someone could make my beautiful daughter feel bad about her appearance. I explained to her how Caucasian and Asian eyes differ (epicanthic fold and all that) and assured her that her eyes were perfect. That seemed to satisfy her. I, on the other hand, could have kicked Tiffany's scrawny butt right then and there, except for one thing -- I had seen Tiffany and her parents, and I strongly suspected that Tiffany was adopted, biracial, and very likely affected by fetal alcohol exposure. I knew she had a pattern of manipulative and bullying behavior. I did tell their teacher about the incident, and I counseled Bess to steer clear of Tiffany.
That's it as far as outright racist comments go (so far). Most of the racism we have experienced has involved "positive" stereotypes, which are just as damaging as "negative" stereotypes in setting up unrealistic expectations. Typical comments have been of the "Gee, they must be good at math" variety. Last summer, two different people, on seeing pictures of my kids, said, "I bet they're really smart." I find comments like these impossible to respond to. When someone says something stupid, I naturally want to contradict them. So my first reaction is to say, "No, not really" -- which is neither true nor fair. I usually say something like, "They're great athletes, too," or "They're very creative," to balance things out.
Then there are the more subtle expressions of racism. Perhaps race consciousness is a better term for this -- people seem to be more aware of our children because of their race. Most parents who adopt transracially have these experiences -- the ones that make us think, "Did this happen because my children and I are of different races? Or am I imagining it?" Our girls seemed to attract a lot of attention and compliments when they were babies. Sometimes I felt that people were just letting me know that they saw our differences and they were okay with it -- not that I asked for their opinion, but I guess it's better to get approval than disapproval. Others I felt were more drawn to the "exotic" appearance of our children and family and had to remark on it. The comments have tapered off as the girls have grown older. So were they just cute babies after all? Or are people more comfortable with "exotic" babies than older kids and adults? Or is it because I've perfected my "mind your own business" look?
And of course there are the people who can't seem to tell Asians apart. Teachers have called each of our daughters by the name of another Asian girl in class on several occasions. Is it a simple case of mistaken identity, or do they really all look alike to some whites? Coaches and parents have made the same mistake, even mixing up the Asian and Hispanic girls. I have relatives whom we don't see very often who call my girls by each other's names. Do they mix up the blonde cousins too?
I had a hard time finishing this post because I got hung up on the subject of how to respond to these comments. Usually when I get stuck, that means I've taken on too much. Finally I decided that it's too complex a subject and deserves its own post.
I will say, however, that more important than my response to other people's comments is my response to my daughters' experiences and how I talk with them about race. Having been raised in the love-is-all-you-need, ostensibly colorblind sixties and seventies, I feel very odd drawing attention to race. I do not want my girls to feel like victims, ever. But I know I must prepare them so they are not blindsided when they go out into the world. When someone goes on and on about how smart they must be, I take them aside later and talk with them about people's expectations of them as Asian Americans, how they might and might not meet those expectations, and how to deal with that. (Most of these discussions focus on Bess right now, but the other girls listen even if they don't always understand.)
And I don't wait for other people to create opportunities to talk about race. I point out racial stereotypes in the media. I note when there are no Asians represented in the casts of popular TV shows, and when there are (go, Brenda Song!), and how the leads are usually white while the people of color are relegated to sidekick roles. We talk about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and the civil rights movement, and how the fight for equality isn't over yet. We talk about slang terms like "banana" and "twinkie." Someday, I will have to tell them about even uglier words, so they will understand them when they hear them. I will have to tell them about the "Geisha girl" and "China doll" stereotypes, so they can protect themselves. I have to prepare them because most likely the first time they are exposed to ugliness, I will not be around to respond on their behalf. I hope they have friends to talk with about these issues, but I don't want to leave anything to chance.
Pointing out unfairness feels very strange to me. I was raised to assume that people's intentions are good. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking away my daughters' innocence -- but it's a false innocence, because racism is always out there, even if I'm not always aware of it. It's no different from warning them about strangers. (And please understand that I'm not constantly terrorizing them with horror stories or going out looking for insults -- it's more a gentle "Hey, did you notice that?" and an acknowledgment that if something feels "off" to them, they're probably right.)
So, despite my qualms, I think talking about racism is the right thing to do. A few months ago I was watching The Colbert Report. I'm sorry to say that Stephen Colbert came perilously close to Rosie O'Donnell "ching chong" territory, mocking Chinese speech. Bess listened for a minute, cocked her head, and said, "They're making fun of Chinese people, aren't they?"
"Yeah, a little bit," I said. I was pleased that I didn't have to be the one to bring it up.
I know most of you have younger children, but how about you? What experiences have you had with racism? How do you plan to address this subject with your children?
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