Jiaozi

This is what you have to look forward to

My eldest daughter had a big meltdown this morning over eyelashes. As in MY STUPID EYELASHES WON'T CURL and MOM YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND but YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DRIVE ME TO SCHOOL. This worked a couple of weeks ago with her dad, but I made it clear that I was not going to drive her to school and she ought to be thinking about breakfast, not her eyelashes and the lack of curl thereof. Doors were slammed.

The thing is, I do understand. Right now eyelashes are huge, in more ways than one. What big bre@sts were to baby boomers and big hair was to Generation X, that's what eyelashes are to today's young women. You've probably seen the TV commercials and magazine ads: Eva Longoria with eyelashes long enough to get tangled in her perfectly groomed eyebrows. Kate Moss flashing what appear to be tiny minks perched on her eyelids. Brooke Shields cheerfully putting glaucoma medication on her eyes (one of the side effects of which is that it can literally turn blue eyes brown).

Have there ever been so many different kinds of mascara? They have names full of promise, names like XXXL and Xtreme and Sky-High. Some require multiple steps, including primer, color, and sealer. It's like refinishing a car. There are mascaras for volume and mascaras for length, mascaras with "fibers" and mascaras with added protein. And because it's not enough just to have long eyelashes, there are mascaras that curl, eyelash curlers of every shape and size, and even heated eyelash curlers.

I have explained to the girls that you can't believe everything you see. Those eyelashes in the ads are either fake or Photoshopped. (I am pretty sure that it is permissible to have a model wearing false eyelashes in a mascara ad as long as she has put the mascara on the false eyelashes.) But they claim they know girls with amazing eyelashes. May came home from her first day at junior high and said, "Mom! You wouldn't believe the long eyelashes some of those girls have!" Their older sister Abbey has long, thick, curly eyelashes and huge green eyes -- she looks in real life like those Photoshopped pageant photos. So they think lush, curly eyelashes are doable.

But, see -- my daughters are Asian. They have beautiful, black, short, straight eyelashes. They are only going to get so much length and curl out of what they've been given. Isn't it enough that they have satiny golden skin, lustrous black hair, and sylphlike figures?

Apparently not. They are obsessed with eyelashes. I bought them mascara. I bought  eyelash curlers especially recommended for Asian eyes. May has managed to do a pretty good job, but Bess's eyelashes are as stubborn as she is. If they lose their curl after she puts on mascara, she takes all her makeup off and starts over. I've tried to explain to her that eyelashes wet with makeup remover won't curl, but she doesn't listen. Tears don't help much either.

I tell the girls that looks are fleeting, that what truly matters is what's inside people. But at the same time, I understand the need for young women to feel attractive. (Hey, I understand the need for middle-aged women to feel attractive.) When you look good, you feel good. But obsessing over one little detail instead of appreciating the big picture is not healthy. I am constantly walking this fine line with the girls -- sure, make the most of your physical assets, but don't forget that character is far more important.

I think it's time for a little self-acceptance. Or a heated eyelash curler. Maybe both.

Blood ties

Recently I had some routine medical tests, the kind that become increasingly routine once you enter middle age. The results were okay, mostly "consistent with normal aging"; this isn't as reassuring as it's intended to be, but I'm getting used to it. One finding was a bit peculiar, however. Nothing bad, but it was something typically only found in Asian and Native American populations.

When the doctor (who is Chinese) told me this, my first response was, "Well, my children are Asian," as if that were any kind of explanation. Did I catch Asian-ness from them? Was this some kind of anatomical red thread?

Then I remembered that there were vague rumors of American Indian lineage on my mother's side of the family. I went home and checked the records. Sure enough, my great-great-grandmother on my grandmother's side was American Indian (she died in childbirth, and her tribal affiliation is unknown), and my great-great-great-grandfather on my grandfather's side was full-blooded Choctaw. This makes me something like 3/32 American Indian. You can imagine how disconcerting it is to learn something like this so late in life.

When I mentioned it to the girls, May said, "Mom! That means you're part Asian like me!" I think I had told the kids about the land bridge theory at some point. The idea is a bit of a stretch, but it's interesting that she made the same connection I did.

I don't believe in a red thread that supposedly ties families together. I'm not so sure we were "destined" to be a family. But I do understand the need to make a connection. It's natural for family, friends, and members of a community to look for the things we have in common, the traits and tastes we share. It's that connection -- more accurately, it's our desire to make that connection -- that truly binds us to one another.

One more thing

Gah. When I wrote that last post, I almost mentioned that I need to start preparing my girls for one more race-related challenge -- the "ex0tic Asi@n wom@n" stereotype. Then I decided I didn't want to tackle that just yet.

But as soon as I posted, one of my ad windows started running advertisements for an "international d@ting service" with photolistings of women in China. (Thanks to my readers for pointing it out to me.) Eww. I tried to block the ads and they kept coming baci, so I removed the window. I don't know how long I'll have to do that. As long as certain keywords appear on this page, I suppose. Probably I should unsubscribe from the service if they can't screen their ads any better than that.

Now I'm worried about certain people Googling "Asi@n teen$" and finding my family. I'd better watch my keywords. Pathetic, isn't it?

Faces

  I got May and Bess this book for Christmas. It's a lot of fun. Some of the looks are far too high fashion for young teens, and especially for a jock like Bess. But the book has a lot of advice about skin care, tips on makeup, and help with things that had us stumped -- well, things that had me stumped, like how do you curl straight Asian eyelashes? (Answer: Buy a Japanese-made curler.)

I have learned a lot about caring for an Asian child over the past 12 years. If you are the Caucasian parent of an Asian child, you have too. You have probably figured out that your child has sensitive skin that is prone to scarring. You know that the vast majority of Asians are lactose intolerant. You have learned, perhaps after a traumatic visit to the pediatrician, that Asians have dry, difficult-to-remove ear wax. (Ear cleaning is a popular occupation for street vendors in China.) You may have found that your Asian toddler's hair is too fine and silky to be held by an ordinary hair clip or rubber band. (Or you may have an Asian child with coarse, curly hair. It happens.)

I have figured out how to provide basic care to my children, but I am still mystified by Asian beauty concerns. Which mascara is best for straight eyelashes? (Answer: Waterproof, as it tends to hold a curl better.) How do you put eyeliner on single-lidded eyes? (Still working on this one.) I always anticipated that I would need help in this area. I take the girls to a very cool young Vietnamese-American hair stylist. I have offered to take them to the Shiseido counter at 99 Ranch Market to get help with makeup, but so far they've wanted to handle it themselves with the guidance of their book and a lot of trial and error.

Makeup and beauty would not be an issue if the girls were being raised by an Asian mother -- in part, because they likely wouldn't have been allowed to wear makeup yet. That's why they aren't getting beauty tips from their Asian friends. Bess is in 8th grade and just started wearing eyeliner and mascara this year. May, in 6th grade, is allowed to wear mascara to school as a concession for wearing reading glasses, but she likes to play with makeup on weekends. I have explained to both girls that there is a difference between day looks and evening looks.

I think junior high is an appropriate time to start experimenting with makeup, but I have to walk a fine line. I don't want them to feel they need "fixing." I don't want them to think they are anything but beautiful just the way they are. I want them to understand that true beauty comes from inside. At the same time, I know that looking good can be a confidence booster, and junior high is a tough neighborhood. So if they want to enhance themselves, within the bounds of age-appropriateness and good taste, I support them.

Makeup and hair -- this is the easy stuff. Tougher issues are coming. I have already started talking to all three girls about the alcohol flush reaction that many Asians are prone to. They will need to be cautious about alcohol consumption for health reasons as well as safety and behavioral ones. They are entering puberty without the benefit of information about their birth mother's reproductive health. We have no way of guessing how tall they can expect to be or whether they will be curvy or slim. I am bothered by the lack of information, but so far the girls are handling themselves with aplomb. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

p.s. Other blog -- um, working on it. More soon. Soonish.

More life lessons from Charlie's Angels

I let the girls watch Charlie's Angels because Lucy Liu is in it, and because they are into slapstick action since we got on our Jackie Chan kick. Boy, is that ever a silly movie. Way sillier than the original series. And it definitely sends mixed messages about femininity. Lots of material for discussion with my preteens and teens.

The girls like Lucy Liu; May has taken a special interest in her since I told her she resembles Liu. They know she was Master Viper in Kung Fu Panda, Silvermist in Tinkerbell, and Jackie Chan's love interest in Shanghai Noon.

After we watched Charlie's Angels, May asked me, "Has Lucy Liu ever starred in her own movie?" I told her that Alex in Charlie's Angels was probably her biggest screen role, and she was one of the stars, but she has never headlined a movie that I know of.

When she asked why, I had to tell her that most movies in America have white stars. She asked about Jackie Chan. I explained that he is the star of his Hong Kong movies, but in all the American movies he is a sidekick or a partner. She noted that Chris Tucker is black, and I pointed out that (1) he was Chan's co-star, not the star, and (2) there are a few black actors who can headline a movie in America (Will Smith and Eddie Murphy, perhaps), but no Asian stars. I could have added that there are also very few actresses of any race who can "open a movie" (guarantee a big take opening weekend). So Liu, who is a very talented and appealing performer, has two strikes against her.

I want my kids to see Asian Americans in the media, of course. The problem is that most Asians on TV and films are tokens, sidekicks, or sages. Even when the star is Asian, he is usually surrounded with white friends and mentors, as if he couldn't possibly make his way in the world without white guidance. In the TV miniseries version of Samurai Girl, which features a Japanese teen who fulfills her destiny to become a warrior, the heroine's teacher/boyfriend is a white man (a departure from the book series) and her kind and funny friends are all white, while her Japanese parents and fiancé are depicted as evil and uncaring.

That's why we love Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior at our house. Much like Samurai Girl, Wendy is a Chinese-American teen who fulfills her destiny to become a warrior. Her teacher, Shen, is a handsome young Chinese man. Wendy dumps her lame white boyfriend to be with Shen. Wendy's Chinese-American family is portrayed warmly, and there is a poignant scene in which Wendy's father tells her mother, while eating mooncakes, that he regrets having turned his back on Chinese traditions. When was the last time you saw an Asian American family portrayed respectfully in a mainstream film? Certainly the movie isn't free of stereotypes -- it is a martial arts movie, after all. But Brenda Song (who is Thai-Hmong-American and a black belt in taekwondo) rocks.

I never know if I'm doing the right thing, discussing racial stereotypes with the girls this way. It feels odd to talk about differences, real and stereotypical. But it just doesn't seem right to have them grow up identifying as white or thinking of white as the "default" race. If they were being raised by Asian parents, they would learn that as a matter of course. I'm at a disadvantage here. But I'm trying.

Social studies

Me (at the Starbucks drive-through with May): That speaker was crackly, wasn't it?

May: Remember in Charlie's Angels, when Lucy Liu leaned out of the car and fixed the drive-through speaker and it worked perfectly?

Me: Yeah, that was cool.

May: I wish they wouldn't do that.

Me: Do what?

May: Make the Asian person always be the smart one. It makes people think all Asians are like geniuses.

Me: She was the smart one, wasn't she.

May: The Asian character is always the one who's good at math and science and wears glasses.

Me: Does it put pressure on you to be that way?

May: Yeah.

Me: Don't worry about people's expectations. Just be who you are.

[Editorial note: But you know what? She really is smart.]

Xin nian kuai le!

Happy Lunar New Year! I am trying to retrain myself to say "Lunar New Year" rather than "Chinese New Year" since this holiday is celebrated throughout Asia (and any country to which Asians have emigrated), and "Chinese New Year" sounds a little ethnocentric to me (like the term "oriental"). I don't know whether there is an "official" position on this, but I'm going with it anyway.*

"Gong xi fa cai" ("gung hay fat choy" in Cantonese) is the traditional new year greeting, but it is actually a wish for prosperity. "Xin nian kuai le" means, literally, "new year happy." ("Sheng ri kuai le" is "happy birthday.")

This year, 2008, is the Year of the Rat. May is thrilled because it's her year. The rat is the first character in the Chinese zodiac, so the Year of the Rat is a year of new beginnings. Also, the number 8 is considered lucky in China -- the Beijing Olympics will begin on 8/8/08 -- because the word for 8 ("ba") sounds similar to the word for prosperity ("fa," the same word in "gong xi fa cai").

Nickelodeon finally launches Ni Hao, Kai-lan today. It seems as though I've been hearing about this show for a couple of years. All week I've been trying to figure out why they would launch a new show on a Thursday instead of Monday, and today I finally smacked my forehead and said, "Duh! It's Lunar New Year!" Ni Hao, Kai-lan is supposed to do for Mandarin what Dora the Explorer has done for Spanish. It was created by Karen Chau, a first-generation Chinese American. Kai-lan is voiced by Jade-Lianna Peters, who was adopted from Jiangxi province as an infant. I'll be watching, though it remains to be seen whether my kids have any interest in it.

*Updated to add: I belatedly did some research, and I don't see a whole lot of people up in arms about this terminology. However, some people do have opinions on the subject, as this post from the popular-culture critics at Boing Boing notes.

Home is where your heart is

Our house is situated in an interesting spot. A half mile north of us and up the hill is an exclusive neighborhood of million-dollar homes, some with lake and mountain views. A half mile south of us is a road lined with trailer parks and commercial buildings. It was the proximity to the trailer parks that made our house affordable. The house itself would not be out of place in the million-dollar neighborhood (at least, it won't be after we finish remodeling). But it's just a little too close to the low-rent district.

I pass the trailer parks when I drive the girls to school. When I first discovered them, I thought...well, you know what I thought. You would have thought the same thing. No homeowner is delighted to find that there is a trailer park in the neighborhood. I speculated that the current plans to "revitalize" our town's business core might gentrify them out of existence, which was okay with me. They're not exactly pretty.

After I'd driven past the trailer park a few times, I noticed that kids lived there. Lots of kids. I'd get there behind the school bus and a dozen kids must have gotten out at that stop. These kids go to school with mine. Almost all of the kids are Hispanic, children of Mexican immigrants (some legal, some probably undocumented) who have recently moved to our area in large numbers to find work in construction.

I also noticed that the whole family -- parents, grandparents, and babies -- turned out to put the kids on the bus in the morning. And in the afternoon, there were always parents waiting when the kids got off the bus. The children would chat animatedly about their day while their moms and dads walked them home. I saw one dad put his arm around his son, listening intently to what he had to say as they turned toward home.

The trailers are old but mostly tidy. They are crammed so close together that there's no room for gardens. The kids play in the driveways between the rows of trailers. It's probably a lot of fun to have your friends and cousins so close by. They have a real community there. The 4,000-square-foot homes up the hill are so far apart on their half-acre lots. Do the kids play together on the manicured lawns? Does anyone in that neighborhood even have kids? We went trick-or-treating there on Halloween, and almost all the children going door to door had traveled up the hill from another neighborhood, drawn by the promise of better-quality treats.

Now I see that those trailers serve a purpose. Where will these families move when the town goes upscale? Already a nearby apartment complex has converted to condominiums. One of Ella's friends, who lived with his brother and single dad in the apartments, had to move because they couldn't afford to buy.

I helped out in Ella's classroom on Halloween. I talked to one little girl who lives in the trailer park. When we're on our way home from school we see her get off the bus and run toward home with her friends, laughing all the way.

"Raquel," I said, "we see you get off the bus every day. Ella waves at you."

Her face brightened. "Oh, does Ella live in a trailer?"

"No," I said, "we live down the street."

"Oh," she said, a little disappointed. Then she smiled. "I love living in a trailer."

And why shouldn't she? She's surrounded by people who love her. Love can make even a trailer feel like a palace.

I hope you're surrounded by people who love you. Thanks for sharing NaBloPoMo with me.

Beware the angry white man

The following news item from Angry Asian Man about Pat Buchanan's new book rendered me (temporarily) speechless:

Welcome to the invasion, Pat

Most striking quotation: "[t]he American majority is not reproducing itself... Forty-five million of its young have been destroyed in the womb since Roe v. Wade, as Asian, African, and Latin American children come to inherit the estate the lost generation of American children never got to see."

See? Makes you sputter, doesn't it?

I am constantly correcting children, my own and others, who use "American" as a synonym for "white." Here's a grownup who does so intentionally, as a matter of ideology. And you know lots of [white] people agree with him.

Like anyone who has worked for a large corporation, I've attended "diversity training." After the trainer (who is typically a person of color) goes through his or her "America is not a melting pot -- it's more like a stew, with a variety of individual flavors, etc., etc." speech, he or she is likely to quote statistics purporting to show that by some year in the future (usually 2050) whites will be a minority in America. The message is supposed to be "We're here, we're nonwhite, get used to it," but usually the response from the predominantly white audience is a collective gasp and whispering, and you know everyone is seeing the statistic as a threat.

If you follow the link from Angry Asian Man to Media Matters, you'll see that Buchanan's primary concern seems to be Mexican immigrants. But just because Asians are a "model minority" doesn't mean they aren't seen as taking away the "inheritance" of whites. Did you know that Asian American students are subject to quotas and higher admission requirements at many universities? Perhaps our children's Western names will be an advantage to them after all. As Angry Asian Man says, That's racist!

By the way, if you don't have Angry Asian Man bookmarked, you should. His blog is a great source for news on Asian Americans, and he's smart, funny, and a good writer. What more could you want from a blog?

Learning about racism

Since we live in an area where Asians are not an unusual sight, you might think we'd be immune to racism. But familiarity doesn't always bring understanding. People don't necessarily change their prejudices just because they know people who defy them, and, whether they intend to or not, they pass their prejudices on to their children. And of course, the media are not by any means free of racial stereotypes.

We've had only a couple of negative experiences, which were somewhat unexpected. Once Abbey had a friend over, and, in front of Bess, who was a baby, the friend did the "Chinese, Japanese, American knees" rhyme, pulling back the corners of her eyes. The odd thing was that this friend is half-Chinese, and I truly believe she had no clue what she was saying and did not intend it maliciously in any way. I pointed out to her that it was not polite, which was the best way I could explain it to a 7-year-old (who should have been learning about this at home).

More troubling, when Bess was in fourth grade, I caught her standing in front of the bathroom mirror looking intently at herself. After I walked in and stood next to her, she asked, "Do I have small eyes"? When I told her she didn't, she said, "Tiffany says Chinese people have small eyes." It broke my heart to think that someone could make my beautiful daughter feel bad about her appearance. I explained to her how Caucasian and Asian eyes differ (epicanthic fold and all that) and assured her that her eyes were perfect. That seemed to satisfy her. I, on the other hand, could have kicked Tiffany's scrawny butt right then and there, except for one thing -- I had seen Tiffany and her parents, and I strongly suspected that Tiffany was adopted, biracial, and very likely affected by fetal alcohol exposure. I knew she had a pattern of manipulative and bullying behavior. I did tell their teacher about the incident, and I counseled Bess to steer clear of Tiffany.

That's it as far as outright racist comments go (so far). Most of the racism we have experienced has involved "positive" stereotypes, which are just as damaging as "negative" stereotypes in setting up unrealistic expectations. Typical comments have been of the "Gee, they must be good at math" variety. Last summer, two different people, on seeing pictures of my kids, said, "I bet they're really smart." I find comments like these impossible to respond to. When someone says something stupid, I naturally want to contradict them. So my first reaction is to say, "No, not really" -- which is neither true nor fair. I usually say something like, "They're great athletes, too," or "They're very creative," to balance things out.

Then there are the more subtle expressions of racism. Perhaps race consciousness is a better term for this -- people seem to be more aware of our children because of their race. Most parents who adopt transracially have these experiences -- the ones that make us think, "Did this happen because my children and I are of different races? Or am I imagining it?" Our girls seemed to attract a lot of attention and compliments when they were babies. Sometimes I felt that people were just letting me know that they saw our differences and they were okay with it -- not that I asked for their opinion, but I guess it's better to get approval than disapproval. Others I felt were more drawn to the "exotic" appearance of our children and family and had to remark on it. The comments have tapered off as the girls have grown older. So were they just cute babies after all? Or are people more comfortable with "exotic" babies than older kids and adults? Or is it because I've perfected my "mind your own business" look? 

And of course there are the people who can't seem to tell Asians apart. Teachers have called each of our daughters by the name of another Asian girl in class on several occasions. Is it a simple case of mistaken identity, or do they really all look alike to some whites? Coaches and parents have made the same mistake, even mixing up the Asian and Hispanic girls. I have relatives whom we don't see very often who call my girls by each other's names. Do they mix up the blonde cousins too?

I had a hard time finishing this post because I got hung up on the subject of how to respond to these comments. Usually when I get stuck, that means I've taken on too much. Finally I decided that it's too complex a subject and deserves its own post.

I will say, however, that more important than my response to other people's comments is my response to my daughters' experiences and how I talk with them about race. Having been raised in the love-is-all-you-need, ostensibly colorblind sixties and seventies, I feel very odd drawing attention to race. I do not want my girls to feel like victims, ever. But I know I must prepare them so they are not blindsided when they go out into the world. When someone goes on and on about how smart they must be, I take them aside later and talk with them about people's expectations of them as Asian Americans, how they might and might not meet those expectations, and how to deal with that. (Most of these discussions focus on Bess right now, but the other girls listen even if they don't always understand.)

And I don't wait for other people to create opportunities to talk about race. I point out racial stereotypes in the media. I note when there are no Asians represented in the casts of popular TV shows, and when there are (go, Brenda Song!), and how the leads are usually white while the people of color are relegated to sidekick roles. We talk about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and the civil rights movement, and how the fight for equality isn't over yet. We talk about slang terms like "banana" and "twinkie." Someday, I will have to tell them about even uglier words, so they will understand them when they hear them. I will have to tell them about the "Geisha girl" and "China doll" stereotypes, so they can protect themselves. I have to prepare them because most likely the first time they are exposed to ugliness, I will not be around to respond on their behalf. I hope they have friends to talk with about these issues, but I don't want to leave anything to chance.

Pointing out unfairness feels very strange to me. I was raised to assume that people's intentions are good. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking away my daughters' innocence -- but it's a false innocence, because racism is always out there, even if I'm not always aware of it. It's no different from warning them about strangers. (And please understand that I'm not constantly terrorizing them with horror stories or going out looking for insults -- it's more a gentle "Hey, did you notice that?" and an acknowledgment that if something feels "off" to them, they're probably right.)

So, despite my qualms, I think talking about racism is the right thing to do. A few months ago I was watching The Colbert Report. I'm sorry to say that Stephen Colbert came perilously close to Rosie O'Donnell "ching chong" territory, mocking Chinese speech. Bess listened for a minute, cocked her head, and said, "They're making fun of Chinese people, aren't they?"

"Yeah, a little bit," I said. I was pleased that I didn't have to be the one to bring it up.

I know most of you have younger children, but how about you? What experiences have you had with racism? How do you plan to address this subject with your children?